Thursday, September 16, 2010

Sublime-ness and sadness

I wrote this to my friend Margaret last night at about 8.30 "I'm sitting on the bed with the computer on my lap listening to youtube clips of Ryuichi Sakamoto waiting to see how Ricardo fairs as he sits on the trunk at the end of the bed with a bowl at his feet to be sick into if he needs to. From the sublime to the ridiculous. We have however had a good day with breakfast and lunch staying down and a visit from the blessed Macmillan nurse Louise."....after I wrote that though things changed rapidly as they are wont to do at the moment. Richard took a few steps, reached the bathroom basin and threw up his entire days worth of meals as well as all the medication I had just managed to give him. Welcome to our lives at the moment.
Each day is governed by how much food I can get into him and each day it's a tiny amount. It's hell for a cook like me. I must have been an Italian Mumma in a past life. It fills me with joy when I see him eating a bowlful of something and despair when he shakes his head slowly at the table.
In other news to hand...Roxi is still here with us and each day I thank God for her presence. Home is a much nicer place with company and she is very good company indeed. She has improved life around here no end. She's a natural organizer and as tenacious as a terrier when it comes to getting a good deal! We have a pill tower (that miraculously refills itself without me having to do anything) and a new vacuum cleaner bought at a ridiculously low price on ebay.

I was having a sad moment at the kitchen stove before and wondered when I had ever been happy. I was looking through old photos with Richard at the dining table after that and found this lovely happy, snowy video that reminded me how happy I had been once. It will interest those of you who have been here lately and can not imagine how it would be here in the snow.


Lulu LaBonne said...

that is such a great snowy video.


Louise Saxton said...

dearest Jo,
I am crying at my laptop as I read your blog and my love goes out to you both across the lands, the oceans and the skys which hold our universe together for us all. I am listening to an Indian master chant beautiful sanskrit hymns which raises my spirit just as the buddhist or Gregorian chants do and I send those vibrations to you both. I'm wondering can the nurse and doctors not hook Richard up to a portable drip at home, so that the nutrients and medicines go directly into his bloodstream. It's just not fair that you both have to go through that. This would keep him at home too. My dear friend Dom, whose Dad had the same disease said the nurse also taught her sister how to empty the bag which he had permanently to drain that awful fluid build up. You are so loved both of you. Louise xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

maudie said...

Oh lovely Joey, sending you love as you carry on through your roller coaster days so sounds horribly difficult and I love the helpful practical enquiries of your mate Louise. I'm thinking about your absent Happiness and how sad this feels, I'm sure all of us has wondered that very question at some point in our travels on this winding, opaque road of Life. I have come to think the ol 'H' word can lead us up the garden path of Disillusion sometimes, and I wonder if perhaps aiming for Contentment rather than all out Happiness provides a more realistic approach to the ups and downs. Unlike Happiness, Contentment is born of the understanding that all things arise and pass according to natural law, it comes with the grace of accepting and being grateful for the gift of your life as it is, with all its peaks and valleys, and as a result allows you the opportunity to learn about yourself more honestly. this is all beginning to sound rather patronising which isn't my intention AT ALL, sorry about that. it's just that words are powerful things and we frame our lives with them, i find it can be good to reassess their meaning in that day to day framework now and again to find the cracks that become new handles of consciousness. Love you so much Joey. xxxxxx

Mardi Sommerfeld said...

Hi Joey love,
I was walking along the Tidal overlook track a couple of days ago behind Sal Mill and was thinking of you and was reminded of the lovely photo you posted recently of Richard from behind on some track at the Prom.. the sun was shining and you were wandering happily with your man in that incredibly beautiful part of the world. The snowy video is great - Sunday only heard the audio and she loved it too! Sending love to you both, xxxxx

JoeyJoJo said...

My oh my what great friends I have. Thank you a million times over for your kind and comforting thoughts and words.

suez said...

i know that it is hard to remember but I have seen you the happiest ever around the time of you and Richard getting married .i have just been looking at photos,with a beautiful day full of love and kindness.....Also the years of having Richard in your life has changed you and made you an amazing person.I love you a lot