Saturday, February 16, 2013

Aqua Profundo

I knew it would be hard coming back to Australia, but it's been much harder than I thought it would be. I'm like a hermit crab with no shell and I'm struggling to deal with my situation. I have no home, no car, no country, no job. I can't get medical help as I no longer have an Australian Medicare card. I can't get the dole as I'm of no fixed abode. I'm a migrant, I'm an immigrant, I'm a refugee. I have no homeland. I cry at the sound of an English person on television. I find myself humming old Scottish folk songs about leaving. I'm bizarrely nostalgic for thatched cottages. I sobbed at the part in "The Hobbit" where Bilbo talks to the dwarfs about them not having a homeland and him helping them to get it back. What have I done?
People I meet find my situation scary & you can see how terrified they are that what's happened to me might just happen to them.... to lose the love of your life scarily fast & then try to rebuild your life with very little money, without them, with a gap of 10 years (having lived within a small rural community of friends) since you last lived in Australia. 
Today I went to visit my Step sister Wendy  for lunch and was aghast to meet a friend of her daughter, suffering from depression. Young, beautiful, recently married with a husband and 3 children; my God it really can knock on anyone's door.
I find myself looking at people in caf├ęs or somewhere socially & think "Oh my God, they have a house, a car & a family" and I think, "If only I could find a family and a house, I'd be happy" but today I met the girl with the family, car and house & she was just as sad & isolated as I am.
Further along these lines, there are deep seated & fearful worries in my family about madness (schizophrenia resides on both sides of my family as well as Epilepsy & Downs syndrome, all of which were misunderstood in earlier times and lumped together) and I struggle not to let my despair be seen by those around me because of this mispercieved horror. I long for some understanding & solace, someone on the same wavelength and this girl today, Alex was just that.
My friend Macgregor sent me this video link to an artist called Sue Austin, she's has inspired me with her specially equipped wheelchair that lets her fly underwater but let's not forget that dissability is sometimes difficult to see.