Monday, August 30, 2010

Good and bad

I've been wanting to post something for days but have been waiting until I had some good news to share. Well I'm sorry but there isn't any. You're probably not supposed to write a post when you're feeling down but here it is nevertheless.
The only good thing about it will be the pictures of Zebedee and friends that Roxi took a week or so ago when the lovely Louisa was still here. We did have a nice time and as you can see Zebbie had a wonderful time getting naked in the river at the ford at Snetterton
We filled the digger scoop with minnows and sat watching the fun.
The weather has been rainy with small patches of sun and that hasn't helped the mood here.
It feels like there are storm clouds on the horizon and I keep having dreams of being in the path of something huge and scary. I dreamt I was camped in the woods with no tent but still with a blanket and an airbed. I was lying down trying not to be afraid of the dark when I heard and then saw a herd of large deer approaching. I just lay there wondering if they would be able to see me lying in their path or whether I'd be trampled. Then it became more frightening as the deer became wolves. Would they see me, would they kill me. I had to wait and see and hope for the best. Which is exactly what I'm doing now.

Richard is gradually sliding. He's become shaky and confused and is so thin. He still thinks he can do stuff, so it's only when I'm on my hands and knees for the third time cleaning up a bowl of spilled soup or drink that he sheepishly lets me feed him. Only when he scalds himself in the shower that he realises he's forgotten which way it is to turn the tap off. Yes the Ludbrooks are a stubborn bunch.
Roxi and I have changed his medication lately as we thought that was the problem, however it seems when we stop his anti nausea pills - he throws up and when we stop his nerve pain killers - the pain returns. There is no easy solution.
He has been going into hospital to be drained regularly and his skin is stretched now so he can last a fortnight. The next draining is booked in for this Tuesday. Hopefully there will be some relief then.
However he and I managed to get out yesterday morning to the most beautiful Church nearby in Larling.
As it says on the Norfolk Churches website.."This is a church in which to imagine the ploughman learning his catechism, the blacksmith and the wheelwright seated side by side."
This Church is in the tiny hamlet where Richard first came back from Australia to live in the UK in 1969. He lived at Shrubb farm cottages, one of the oldest surviving communes in the UK. It and the friends he made then are the reason we live in this part of the world. It is indeed a wonderful community here and we are so cared for. Often when we open the door, Tony Fry has left a punnet of homegrown raspberries and some beans, Jan Francis has left some perfect courgettes from her Father Rod's allotment or someone has left an anonymous donation in an envelope. I never feel like I'm forgotten or on my own but still it's a lonely existence losing the one you love.
There is love though surrounding us and as my Mum says "No love is ever wasted".
I leave you with a wonderful picture of Zebedee coming home from the river on Yusuf's shoulders. Happy as the day was long.
All my love comes to you who read this blog, I know there are a lot of you now and I'm so thankful for your comments and emails.


kelly said...

sending tons of love and hugs your way.

(and btw, I think we have the same pair of wellies. :-)

mummaspot said...

dear dear Joey, your dream was powerful! the deer are Bright Spirit and Gentility and the wolves represent the strengths of fierce Loyalty and Love. They came because you had no tent.You are blessedly guarded and they want you to see them without fear.They will be your tent. In Zebedee is the miracle of life and love's strength.He and Richard show us such journeys!

JoeyJoJo said...

Kelly - I knew I bought those boots for a reason.
Suzanne - Thank you indeed, it was curious in the dream how the wolves looked like huskies and neither animal did feel oppressive.

Lulu LaBonne said...

Goodness me what a powerful dream - you are in my thoughts all the time


Anonymous said...

We both love you both xxx

Paul and Maureen